LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the new white bedspread in the guest room or the new upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let drool fall to the floor or better yet, on their laps.

SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place you nose as close as you can to the other dogs rear end and inhale deeply, several times, or until your person nakes you stop.

GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try and push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with butter or margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

BICYCLES: Two wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, barking loudly and run alongside for a few yards. The person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction or lying down.

THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home.

SOFAS: Are to dogs what napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa to wipe your whiskers clean.

BATH: This is the process by which the humans drench the floors, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

LOVE: Is the feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.